Journey's End
by PerryC
Summary: The human Doctor, born in a meta-crisis disaster, must convince Rose that he's still the same man, one heart less but no less loving.


I was human. One heart, one life. At first there had been denial. I had avoided thinking about it, concentrating on getting Donna and the TARDIS safe. Then I felt angry. I was angry that I had been 'created', that I existed only to live a half-life. I half-hoped I would destroy myself – that is to say, I as a Time Lord would destroy my own duplicate. I hoped, for a second, that I might be put out of my suffering. But I know my own thought process. I knew if there was another way, I – as a time lord - would find somewhere safe and out of the way for myself – as a human full of anger and frustration - to live. And then it hit me.

Rose. I would live with Rose.

I felt my heart, my weak, singular heart, race at her name. It was an extraordinary sensation. I would give up traveling in the TARDIS, give up living for ever, for Rose. It wasn't a matter of choice.

Would I have made the trade under any other circumstance? Probably not. Not because I didn't love her, but because other people needed me more than she did. That's what I told myself. Really, I just loved the TARDIS too much. I loved the constant change, the eternal adventure of time travel. It was an often lonely life, but nothing was more terrifying than the of the monotony of human one.

But my biggest fear was that she wouldn't love me. I had maybe 60, possibly 70 years more to live. I felt as though I were a bomb with a timer strapped to my chest. Every second suddenly seemed precious. I wanted to spend every remaining day, every remaining moment, with Rose Tyler. But she wouldn't even look at me. I was just a meta-crisis disaster. She had eyes only for the Time Lord.

I thought about him and how he must feel about giving up Rose. I could imagine it too well. If I hadn't duplicated I could have traveled with her for another 20 years, but he knew the only way to keep me from being anything but suicidal (I even let the word genocidal shoot through my mind in a kind of dark humor), would be for him to leave Rose and I together. And wouldn't that be for the best? If she stayed with him, he would have to leave her at some stage – assuming she didn't become a fatality of his adventures. With no family or friends in her universe, where would she go to grow old? Her heart would break even more than the Time Lord's. At least _he _would have a chance to love again, with all the time in the world at his fingertips.

The Time Lord and I shared a glance across the TARDIS. I knew we were thinking the exact same things, that he was imagining how torn I must feel right now, and knew I was doing the same for him. I was losing the TARDIS, he was losing Rose – the two things we loved the most.

We both took a deep breath at the same time, and I knew we'd just accepted our decision.

We didn't need to talk about it. We got out at Bad Wolf Bay without saying a word. I made small talk with Jackie, easily hiding my pain. Rose didn't seem to know what to say.

"You're back home," the Time Lord told her.

She shook her head. "I spent all that time trying to find you!" she exclaimed. "I'm not going back now."

"You've got to," said the Time Lord. "Because we saved the universe, but at a cost, and that cost is him." He looked at me. "He destroyed the Daleks and committed genocide. He's too dangerous to be left on his own."

I tried to quell the anger I felt at his words. "You _made _me!"

"Exactly," he said. "You were born into battle, full of blood and anger and revenge." He looked at Rose, and I suddenly realized what he was doing. "Remind you of someone?" he added softly. "That's me, when we first met. And you made me better. Now you can do the same for him."

"But he's not you," she told him. Her words cut through me. She can't love me, I thought. She _won't_ love me.

"He needs you," said the Time Lord. "That's very me."

I knew he was right. He said he and I were different – I was too full of anger and spite, just like I was so many years ago, when Rose and I first met. She couldn't love me right now because I wasn't entirely the same person. I was more emotional, angrier and more aggressive. But could she help me again? _Would _she?

Donna came to my rescue, the wind picking up her red hair. Something about the less-than-confused expression and the intelligent eyes made her look almost unrecognizable. I would have liked to have spent some time picking her new Time Lord brain. "Don't you see what he's trying to give you?" she asked her. She looked at me and prompted, "Tell her, go on."

I told Rose what I was. That I was part human so I wouldn't age. I felt as though I were begging when I asked her if she wanted to spend the rest of her life with me. She almost smiled, pressing a tentative hand to my chest to feel the beat of my single, lonely heart. I could almost see the possibilities running through her mind.

"Don't forget this," the Time Lord interrupted us. Rose looked at him quickly. With reflexes as quick as ever, I caught the chunk of the TARDIS he threw me. I was confused – an unusual feeling. He couldn't be mocking me, but at the same time I knew he knew I wouldn't appreciate the constant reminder of what I had lost. I could feel the energy between my fingertips, but it paled in comparison to my beloved TARDIS. It was just a lump of wood.

"Grow your own," the Time Lord said.

"That takes thousands of years." I was more bewildered than angry. Why would he do this to me?

"No," he said, "because-"

"-If you shatterfy the plasmic shell and modify the dimensional stabalisers to a foldback harmonica of 36.3," Donna cut in, "you accelerate the growth power by 59!"

All of us looked at her. I could have laughed as the tension drained from my body. "We never thought of that," the Time Lord and I said at once. I wasn't losing the TARDIS. It would take less than thirteen years to grow a new one. I wanted to hug Donna, to whirl her around, but the mood wasn't for it. I had no idea how the Time Lord was going to get used to such a fast-minded Donna. And then suddenly I did know – of course, he would have to leave her. The thought made me a little sad.

All this emotion was going to take a little getting used to.

"We gotta go," said the Time Lord quietly. I could have said myself what he was about to say next. "Reality is sealing itself off. Forever."

"But," said Rose, her voice raising in pitch, "it's still not right. He's… the doctor's still _you_."

I am the Doctor, I wanted to tell her. I wanted to scream it. I am him! It was a strange feeling, but I suddenly resented my Time Lord self, the man I'd been just hours ago. I felt inferior. He was going to keep everything, including Rose's love.

"And I'm him," the Time Lord said a little sadly.

"All right. Both of you answer me this," Rose said decisively, stepping towards the Time Lord. "When I last stood on this beach, on the worst day of my life, what was the last thing you said to me?" She was looking at him while she spoke. "Go on," she told him, "say it". I looked away. She didn't want to hear it from me.

"I said Rose Tyler," he replied.

"Yeah," she said, unsatisfied, "and how was that sentence gonna end?"

I could see the pain in the Time Lord's eyes, and I realized he wasn't going to say it. "Does it need saying?" he asked quietly.

It did and we both knew it.

She looked at me, and I saw desperation in her eyes, and it hit me how badly she really _needed _to know. I realized that even though this passion was burning through me, through the Time Lord me just as much - this powerful emotion I hadn't felt for hundreds of years - she was still full of uncertainty.

"And you, Doctor?" she asked me, her eyes pleading.

I knew the Time Lord was giving me the chance to say it, to win her over. I could almost feel his heart break as I leaned into her ear.

I whispered the three words I'd buried deep inside my chest. It would take me more years than I have left to explain the emotion I felt in that moment. I wanted to say it again and again, to pull her into me and never stop saying it, but her eyes caught me and I was choked into silence by the recognition I saw there. She was looking at me, not at a stranger, but at the Doctor she loved.

She loved me.

I heard him go as she kissed me, and I didn't care. I wanted to hold her forever, but I let her go as the TARDIS door shut and she pulled away as she realized they were leaving. I knew she still loved him just as much, if not more. I knew her heart was breaking just as much as his was. Mine broke a little too. I reached for her hand as my beloved TARDIS started to vanish, knowing I would never see it again.

But I didn't hurt as much as I thought I would, watching it go. I still had a TARDIS, almost, but I also had something just as good: I had a whole lifetime with Rose Tyler. We could get married, have children, be human together. I felt strangely relieved as I held her while she cried.

Jackie patted my arm. "Come on," she said gently. "I've called Pete. He'll pick us up from the road."

I stroked Rose's hair as I guided her away from the beach. It would take a while for both of us to come to terms with the situation, but we would be happy in the end.

Somewhere in a parallel universe, another Doctor was piloting the TARDIS with shaking fingers, mentally locking away the name and face of Rose Tyler, storing her so deep that she wouldn't even resurface in dreams.

"Forget her," he told himself.

"What was that?" Donna asked, looking up the panel she'd reading.

"Nothing," the Doctor said quickly. "That was genius, by the way. Accelerating the growth of a baby TARDIS… brilliant!"

Donna opened her hands, palms up, and shrugged. "I learned from the best," she said.

"That you did," he said.

"Alons-y?"

"Alons-y!"

* * *

><p><strong>Author's Note:<strong> The scene where the Doctor gives the duplicate Doctor a piece of TARDIS actually happened, but it was a deleted scene from the episode. You can view it on youtube by searching Journey's End deleted scene. I think of it as canon for two reasons. First, RTD likes to think of it as canon, and second, because in the episode, un-deleted, there is a short shot where the human doctor is actually holding the piece of TARDIS.


End file.
